How Could An Angel Break My Heart?

There are no words in my head eloquent enough to do justice to this. Today I lost my best friend. For almost 15 years I cared for her and loved her, from our early days when it wasn't certain either of us would survive her puppyhood and my inexperienced single motherhood, to the last 9 months since she was diagnosed with a multitude of health problems. Considering the severity of all that was wrong with her, her tenacity and spunk were nothing short of miraculous. Even today, the worst day of our lives together, she didn't know she was sick. After a terrible week and a harrowing morning of what can minimalistically be described as digestive problems, her expression and disposition never faltered. In fact, when the time had come to go to the vet, she first enjoyed an outing at the park complete with the hunting of pinecones she had been unable to do in the limited walking we had done since her mobility became an issue. We played tug with a stick and walked round and round an area she used to love when she could walk for hours. I brushed her one last time. She was anxious to get into the car however- she smelled a road trip from a mile away. She panted in the front seat and stuck her wet nose out the window, catching the breeze that is doggie-psychedelic.

Even on the table at the vet, she was alert and while somewhat confused, certainly not in pain. I said my goodbyes as quickly as I could, so as not to allow her to become stressed. When the time came, I held her and breathed in the sweet doggie smell of her soft ruff. I told her I loved her, would love and miss her my whole life, and would keep her with me always. As terrible as this was, I was comforted that I had found the strength not to wait until she was in agony or delirious or panicked. Of course, the dichotomy of having to let go of a compromised pet who still wanted to eat and bark and romp and play is wrenching. But there was nothing more to be done, and within days it would have caught up with her.

Right now and forevermore, I am the only one of us who is suffering. I imagine I'll get through the next days and weeks the same way I've gotten through the last 6 hours. I can still feel her silky fur and the shape of her as she fit next to me when I held her.

Safe passage and until we meet again, my sweet angel. Mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.